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“The Art of the Meal Deal”: Post-president Trump to embark on gruelling UK supermarket tour in bid to write new book

“Hasn’t that man eaten enough?”

Apparently not. 

Since losing his presidential status, and with that his White House meal vouchers, The Donald has developed a fresh hunger for fame and food alike. What better way is there to satiate such a gluttonous appetite than to embark on a UK-wide supermarket and off-licence chain tour, reviewing their respective “meal deals” or lack thereof? Trump’s findings will be published in digestible  paperback form and act as a handy ‘how-to’ guide for consumers in a highly saturated and perplexing meal deal market.

The book will act as a loosely linked sequel to his 1987 memoir/ business guide Trump: The Art of The Deal. It is suspected that much like it’s predecessor, very little of the authorship will actually be undertaken by Trump himself, who we can all imagine to be scoffing down Tesco Sausage-Egg-Bacon Breakfast Triple-after-Tesco Sausage-Egg-Bacon Breakfast Triple whilst dishing out half-audible superlatives to a dutiful ghost-writer. 

Artist’s impression of what Trump – banned from Twitter – might look like whilst eating

Some interesting questions to (not) be answered 

Food critics and laypeople alike hope that Trump will use this opportunity to gather some of the more enigmatic Meal Deal factoids. Do they use different cheddar up north? Do the workers at Meal Deal HQ bring sandwiches from home? And, truly, the ultimate question; how many pasta salads does it take to give a busty old man with orange skin a heart attack? Though the Art of the Meal Deal team are said to be pushing for this sort of inquisitive, trivia-lead approach, Trump himself is more keen on merely offering his own poorly thought-out and colourfully worded opinions about the Meal Deal of the moment. Promoters have deflected concerns about this by stating that “no one should underestimate the people-pleasing abilities of the most effective populist of our time”. What we can definitely expect from Trump is an absolute dismantling of Waitrose, who have the audacity to sell their sandwiches to the public at full price.  

A Waitrose in Brighton and Hove, just in case you forgot what it looked like

Nope, sorry, it doesn’t stop there 

There has even been some irresistible talk of a mockumentary style film to piggyback the release of the book. “Hold your horses!” some Looney Leftist Fundamentaloids might say. “We’ve had enough of this batshit crazy right-wing dickhead!”. Nevertheless, Lest We Forget, even a disgraced Trump remains quite funny, and there’s no discernible reason as to why we can’t have a giggle at him huffing down an Egg and Cress sandwich from Morrisons, and declaring that – along with a packet of Flame Grilled Steak McCoy’s and a full fat coke – to be “the best meal deal I’ve ever had”. 

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