Press "Enter" to skip to content

Ainsley Harriott Review

Ready, steady, look over there! A sea of red and green!

What a brilliantly decorated Christmas tree that is. I’ve always thought that having just one colour of bauble – red – was aesthetically the right way to go. 

But that’s enough about Christmas. Today we’re here to review Ainsley Harriot; his existence, his achievements, his… face. 

Maybe just his face. 

What is it about Ainsley Harriot’s face that makes him so… magnetising?

It’s as if God – whom I conveniently decide exists only when it fits whatever silly narrative I’m trying to pedal – just really wanted people to buy large brown pepper grinders. I mean, fuck, I just ordered one on eBay, just now. Click here  to be a schmuck like me (I’d go for the 10 incher, *winky face*). 

The picture of Ainsley Harriot that people see in their mind when they close their eyes and think about him


Ever been at a house party, having taken a substantial dose of MDMA, and discovered an Ainsley Harriot cookbook belonging to the host’s family tossed nonchalantly on the kitchen side – as if it somehow doesn’t matter? As if it’s just another perfunctory, instructive, iteration of culinary literature? As if some mashed up party-goer discovering it wouldn’t be the greatest thing in the world – the pinnacle of serendipity.

Nobody in their right mind wants to see Fanny Craddock or Delia Smith peering soullessly up at them whilst they attempt to chew off their own jaw in a state of uncontrollable ecstasy. It’s needless to say Jamie Oliver is non sequitur to a night on the beanos. Nigella Lawson is closer to the mark; but she’s more like expensive cocaine, expensive red wine and inexpensive softcore pornography. Aisnley on the other hand, is like happy hardcore distilled into homosapien form. He exudes radical contentment; a placating belief that everything is going to turn out absolutely fine, so long as he continues to smile that smile and grind that pepper grinder.

Yes, indeed 

I’d even let Mr. Harriot grind black pepper into my morning coffee if that’s what I have to do to engrain some of his spirit into mine. I’d pay for his cab, stick a fifty pound note in his breast pocket and send him off to a posh spa-day with his mates just to sweeten the deal. I’d say, “please Ainsley, come and grind your delicious black pepper in to my Nescafé intenso instant coffee and smile at me and look into my eyes like you love me”

… “drizzle expensive olive oil onto my dry, dandruff ridden scalp – delay my pattern baldness by an unknowable amount of time. Or at least stop me from being so – goddamn – itchy. I love you, Ainsley, ditch your mates and go on a posh spa day with me. Go to Portugal with me. Together, we’ll cook meals from seemingly random assortments of ingredients at extremely short notice, and then seek validation from a live TV audience.”

This could be us, chief

Yes, that’s exactly what I’d say to him. 

End of review 

I hope you’ve enjoyed this balanced, nuanced and entirely sense-making  review of Ainsley Harriot. Long live the king.  


  1. John John January 14, 2021

    It’s appropriate time to make some plans for the long run and it is time to be happy.
    I’ve learn this put up and if I may just I desire to recommend you some
    fascinating things or suggestions. Maybe you
    could write next articles relating to this article. I wish to learn more
    things about it! It’s perfect time to make some plans for the future and it’s time
    to be happy. I’ve read this post and if I could I want to suggest you some interesting things or tips.
    Perhaps you could write next articles referring to this article.
    I desire to read more things about it! I really like
    it when folks get together and share views. Great blog, keep
    it up!

    Also visit my website John

  2. เว็บพนัน เว็บพนัน February 28, 2021

    First off I would like to say excellent blog! I had a quick question which I’d
    like to ask if you do not mind. I was curious to find
    out how you center yourself and clear your mind before writing.

    I’ve had a tough time clearing my mind in getting my
    ideas out. I do enjoy writing but it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes tend
    to be lost simply just trying to figure out
    how to begin. Any recommendations or hints?
    Appreciate it!

    Review my blog เว็บพนัน

  3. escort bayan escort bayan March 1, 2021

    My programmer is trying to persuade me to move to .net from PHP. Kaye Ad Kenton

  4. erotik erotik March 2, 2021

    Hi there, this weekend is nice designed for me, for the reason that this time i am reading this great informative article here at my house. Wandis Derick Vitia

  5. slot online slot online March 6, 2021

    Heya i am for the primary time here. I came across this board and I find It really useful & it helped me out much.
    I am hoping to present one thing back and help others such as you aided me.

  6. slot online slot online March 8, 2021

    Hi outstanding website! Does running a blog similar to this take a large amount of work?
    I’ve very little expertise in coding but I was hoping
    to start my own blog in the near future. Anyhow, should you
    have any recommendations or techniques for new blog owners
    please share. I know this is off topic nevertheless I just wanted to ask.
    Appreciate it!

  7. Simply wish to say your article is as astonishing.
    The clarity in your post is simply spectacular and i could assume you are an expert on this subject.
    Fine with your permission allow me to grab your feed to keep updated
    with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please carry on the rewarding work.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *