We’ve all been there…
After definitely not doing anything shady the week before with the local, tight-knit, Kossovan community, you’re rudely awoken by a young Kossovan man holding you up in your bedroom with their gunpowder-filled family heirloom.
Your sexually dissatisfied wife is horizontal next to you, barely put out but the fact her husband – of 16 years – is staring down the barrel of a gun; a gun held by someone whose family vehemently subscribe to the ‘definitely don’t not pay back our money by the agreed date’ rule.
It’s a stressful moment. Probably more stressful than childbirth.
You have no real time to calculate an equation, devise a strategy, or scribe a letter of apology.
He wants his money back – fair play – and you no longer have it.
You’ve got around 40 seconds before the trigger of the antique-looking shotgun pointed at you is drawn back by the finger of someone quarter your age.
Someone with a chiseled jaw to contrast the sack of skin hanging below your face.
Someone who is about to actually succeed in meeting an objective – killing you – to contrast against your scant list of recent successes.
Ultimately, someone who will proceed to go through my- I mean your wife.. like a train.
You only have enough time to say one thing to change your fatal fate…
Well. In today’s segment, we will be attempting to answer the age-old question: What should you really say when you have a gun pointed at your head?
We will be analysing all 5 of your submissions, providing you with in-depth analysis of each, so the next time you mess with the kingpin of the ‘Kosovan Ford Kortinas’, Gezim Cevdei, and consequently have a gun pointed at your head, you know how to avoid getting bulleted.
“Look you Pillock, I aint even the right guy, isn’t it”
Akush Kapoor-Trent, 42 – Liphook.
Clever try, smart guy. You want him to doubt himself – good.
We’re human afterall. We can all be guilty of a little self-doubt from time to time.
It seems like we’re onto a winning option doesn’t it, Akush?
Well, you’ve correctly identified that he’s in a highly-strung situation too. You’re trying to infiltrate his unsettled mind, up-turn some tables, hope he questions himself; and resolve the problem of you getting shot.
If you’ve timed it right, you’ll be able to cool his feet, convince him to drop the weight of the part-wooden shotgun, look around the room in front of him and reconsider his choices.
He’ll see my- your wife in bed, only slightly scared, and – most importantly – notice her bump, forcing him to reckon with the idea of de-fathering an unborn baby.
He’ll shudder, staring down at the machine he’s now uncomfortable holding as if it’s grotesque, and – at least for a moment – he’ll concede to the pressure.
He’ll look up and see family photos on the walls. He’ll realise he was about to kill someone with a story. Someone with a history.
Someone with loved ones.
Unfortunately, the photos on the wall will remind him he actually brought a photo of you in his wallet in case exactly this happened – and he needed to cross-reference.
He’ll pull his hand into his pocket, his wallet from his pocket, your photo from his wallet, and recognise you are the right guy – and shoot you in the tête.
Conclusion – I do really think you’re barking up a good tree here, Akush – but baby oh-baby, it’s about to be cut down by the Northamptonshire-Wessex forestry commission – it’s no from me. Idiot.
“Bingley bongley, cat-mouse a shrew, tinphy tomphy, I’ll eat your poo!”
Jojo Spindlehof-Lancet, 51 – Margate.
Interesting. An attempt to weird him out.
If you’re successful in sending him off-piste with this tactic, you’ll diffuse the proverbial ticking time bomb – that is his intention to kill you – and be able to go back to sleep as if nothing happened.
When people feel really weirded out they can experience derealisation; the feeling of complete detachment from their environment.
In such a mental state, they seek familiarity as a way to sober themselves up from the abstract.
Therefore, your soon-to-not-be-murderer will be triggered to seek familiarity and turn his attention away from you towards things that settle and ground him.
For most people, feelings of familiarity are often evoked by family, friends, family-houses, spouses and childhood-pet-mouses. During an episode of derealisation, people for which these things are familiar will drop what they’re doing and stop at nothing to hunt them down. Besides, the stakes are high when your reality is threatened, aren’t they?
If he’s truly spooned, he may even hoover on his way out.
Unluckily for you, what’s familiar to our Kosovan friend is less conventional. For him, avenging severe, family-related, financial hiccups really makes him feel at home.
In this case, all you’ve done is incentivized him to sharpen his focus on ending your life.
Conclusion – It might not work, but quite frankly, I’ll have to check the data, Jojo. Alright?
“Oh fuck.. look at you darlin’. Standin’ there, with your… BIG… gun, baby. I can’t look at you without getting stiff, Sugar. Please.. jump in, and bring your fleshy gun with you!”
Paul Trott, 33 – London.
My man, Paul Trott, you’re on fire.
While I know you’re really into bad boys and there’s nothing you want more than to be piped by a hairy, tight, Kosovan stallion, you’ve inadvertently deployed an incredibly smart and innovative device: Reverse Psychology Technology.
Luckily, yours and his upbringings were very, very different – and this plays to your advantage.
See, you were brought up in Islington by both privileged and progressive parents.
You’ve never been discouraged from exploring yourself, your identity, your sexuality. You’ve only been encouraged to feel free, and so you should. Stud.
You’re sexually liberated. You’re comfortable so long as everyone else involved is too – and that’s great. It’s great for you and it’s great for people who are lucky enough to have your attention… xx
The gun-wielder, on the other hand, is not.
He was born into a very religious family. They didn’t let him explore much at all. Not only is sex with men forbidden, sex with the incorrect woman – even at the incorrect time – is too.
Sex to him is a real minefield. Poor sod.
By inviting him and his fleshy gun to bed, you will trigger him on a deep, deep level. A personal, religious, cultural level. A level baked into him, baked into his parents, baked into their parents, and so on.
As a result, your admirable promiscuity has the potential to both panic and sicken him in equal measures. Like a goldfish learning that they’re in an inescapable spherical tank. Like a tired, single-mum realising she made her children’s cereal with seriously gone-off milk after dropping them off at school for ‘sports day’.
Like a racehorse being shot after a string of losses.
At his age, the criminal in question is most likely a virgin. His penis has never been referred to as stiff, nor BIG. Hearing sweet nothings for the first time from a man is enough to dismantle his confidence and puncture his conviction to kill you.
Conclusion – Providing your criminal is a religious fundamentalist themselves, or was at least conceived by them, homoeroticism their proverbial Kryptonite. You’re surviving another day Trott, baby. Now get out there and guzzle what you love.
“Shoot me, I’ve no reason to live and nothing to love”
Jeremy Blair, 61 – Up North.
Now you’ve really struck some bronze here, Bonzo. Let’s break it down.
In one scenario, you’re bluffing. The truth is – you don’t want to die.
You realise that people love you and that you love people. You’re proud of your son, you enjoy walking your little terrier clockwise around the park and, to top it all off, you’re having an exciting affair with the 19-year-old intern from the office, Tammy. She’s a DJ and doesn’t shave her armpits.
The other scenario? You are suicidal. You want to die and you want a strapping young Kosovan man to be the one that ends your life.
Your mortgage will never be paid off. Your wife has recently found out about your affair and is threatening to “tell work”, your son is happier than you’ve ever been and your favorite thing in the world, your terrier Billy, has terminal doggy cancer.
In both – you’re dead meat. Roadkill, road-hog, hog dinner, dogs dinner, dead.
When it suits them, criminals are surprisingly willing to take your command; a very sophisticated psychological phenomenon coined ‘Wanting to do something’.
If you’re to yell “Please don’t kill me”, they won’t listen. After all, it doesn’t fit in their meticulous plan; a plan which took them weeks to pin down.
However – a victim yelling “Shoot me” will get exactly as they wish: head blasted. You both have the same objective. How exciting!
The perfect synergy.
Conclusion – Good for people who want to die, bad for those who don’t. We’re here for you Mr. Blair.
“How are you feeling, Hunny?”
Frensch ‘Orn, 19 – Lake Scweinstiger
Jesus Christ – Really!?
*Doing prancy hands and a high-pitch, hyper-Queen’s-English accent*
“Ooh – I’m Lady ‘Orn and I’m so.. perfect – asking people how they are even when they’re in the wrong like fucking Mother Theresa – I’m so special and NICE – I’ve got life… and zenness and all that fairy-shit figured out – Ooo, look at me – Ooeee, yeah look at me”
Let me tell you something, Snowflake – it ain’t gonna work.
Life ain’t all roses and lilies you know, ‘Orn. It’s not all pillows and sunshine and unlimited fresh orange juice, Frensch.
Life’s hard, Baby G – and it breeds criminals like the one in your room with an old shotgun. A criminal with one mission and one mission only: to get his money.
If he’s not getting it, he’ll kill you.
Look, I’m sure if you were the voice in his head rather than a real person with a bounty on their’s, your question would trigger more introspection. Truth is, he’s probably going through quite a lot in the moment.
He’s a young guy. His whole life is ahead of him…
He could be relentlessly pursuing a STEM subject in a high-scoring university. He could be volunteering at a homeless dog charity picking up homeless dog poo poo in Catalunya. He could even be handing out goat-skin condoms in Sri Lanka – but he’s not.
Instead, he’s in your room, about to end your life.
By following his family’s orders, he may be subjecting himself to life in jail – do you have any idea how hectic that is, Frensch? There’s no need to ask him how he feels. Hunny.
Conclusion – Not only are you dead if you decide to deploy your suggested line, but you’ve also died as someone who doesn’t think things through properly. Stick to the french horn, Frensch ‘Orn.
The Exciting Wrap Up.
Thanks to Akush Kapoor-Trent, Jojo Spindelhof-Lancet, Jeremy Blair, and Frensch ‘Orn for their varied submissions. With your help, we’ve made some real progress on a very difficult conundrum.
I’d also like to personally send a very special, intimate thanks to my Paul Trott.
It was certainly ambitious and heroic of me to wrap my head around all 5 suggestions, so I’d also like you to thank me right now with your internal dialogue – “thank you Wayne Wade-Wenceslas”
Despite my excellently thorough analysis, it is clear there is no clear answer to this question.
The truth is, the number of variables involved renders the various logic-flows complex, even for the most straightforward of hold-ups. This is why it remains a hot topic amongst philosophers, filibusters, and Philistines alike.
Leveraging homoeroticism may put you in the best position due to the high probability that your criminal is a religious fundamentalist, and therefore homophobic. One thing you must watch out for here is accidently convincing my- your wife that you are indeed gay for Paul Trott.
Now I’ve written this article I can go and attempt to save my crumbling marriage by apologising to my wife for everything I’ve ever done to her. The deceit, the disloyalty and the disapproval of her biannual midlife-crisis-haircuts.
I don’t think she’ll ever forgive me and, to be fair, I am a weak, unloving, secretly-gay partner.
She deserves better.