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THE MARRIAGE BETWEEN PLUMBING AND MARRIAGE: How to be a hyper-loyal newly-wed plumber.

Are you a newly-wed plumber looking for a guiding light to help you wade through the sewage of marriage? 

Is your wife causing you to envy the bleeding radiators you work with day-in-day-out? 

Are you a man with a van but no marital contingency plan? 

Well – you’re in a safe space, and once you’ve read this you’ll feel like a brand new boiler; one that’s actually been put in properly by like a plumber-friend-of-the-family.

Boiler.jpg
Photograph of the boiler I put in properly for my brother, Mark – I am £12,000 in debt to him.

Beyond gutting the copper piping out of our older-clients’ boilers that don’t actually need fixing, marriage is often the most treacherous thing we plumbers can involve ourselves in.

While it has been known to lead to a handful of decent honeymoon hand and blowjobs, marriage is the ultimate commitment; and like any other till-death pledge, getting wed can sometimes feel like forcing yourself past a toilet’s u-bend – and the proverbial flush is choppiest for plumbers like us.

From your wife asking you to fish out her wedding ring which she intentionally dropped down the kitchen sink as a way to remind you of the marital responsibilities you’d rather you didn’t have, to not having a believable career-based alibi to cover up your excessive pub-going (unlike, let’s say, the CEO of Google), there is a wealth of married-plumber specific conundrums that we find ourselves in more than we’d like.

This HOW-TO will be focusing specifically on dealing with the acute temptation that newly-wed plumbers experience when presented with scantily clad, “lonely”, “I’m-feeling-spontaneous”, “my-other-half-won’t-be-back-for-hours” wives in the lacey lingerie that their neglectful husbands bought them for valentines day – on the 15th of February

Before we get to the nuts and bolts of it, or should I say the pipes and pipes of it, you might be wondering what makes me, Gus Pipe, qualified to deliver this advice? Well, I’m a plumber and I’ve been happily married for years after being unhappily married for decades. I’m now 61 and overweight with an online-poker addiction – which marginally reduces my intrinsic sex-appeal – but after my first marriage at the age of 24, I was hot-property that constantly had to fend off thirsty plumbing-problemless, home-alone housewives. 

With the Price of Copper Up, the Plumbing Can Go Missing - The New York  Times
Photograph of me, Gus Pipe, in my prime.

While I haven’t always been successful in saying no – leading to 4 or 7 reasonable divorces – I’ve learned several tricks, building a pearl of wisdom which I feel is my responsibility to impart on budding newly-wed plumbers like yourself.

TIP #1 – Men. Pretend you actually like men. 

Without getting too deep into Freud (pictured below), the rationale behind women pursuing coitus with plumbers and other manual workers – which they do do – is the primal desire for subjection to raw alpha-masculinity.

Freud and penis envy – a failure of courage? | The Psychologist
This is Freud, lads.

As us plumbers know, there is nothing sexier to women than a man wrestling pipes of different universal circumferences with refused-stained, callus-covered hands; and that’s precisely what we do each day, making us walking sex hotspots.

Simply then, a neat way to reduce our career-based sex appeal is to increase our feminity, acting as though we are actually interested in fellow geezers. Below are a few sayings you might want to have at your disposal to help you in a (bum) pinch:

“Heyyy Gurrrllll. I heard you need some pipes looked at? That’s my favourite pastime – if you know what I mean…”

“Babe, I’d totally love to dismantle your sink system to see what might be the problem but I’ve only just had a manicure!”

“The two main perks of being a gay plumber are spending time in a shower with frustrated straight men and being bent over the bath, Darlin”

“Yeah, I do love my job, but I’d much rather be sucking stiff, glistening cocks every day!”

Gus Pipe’s alter ego ‘Gushing Pipelord’ [2021]

NOTE: To ensure believability you must drop your stud-like, gravely tone and practice your camp voice. Such a task can be tricky, so I recommended some method acting. While I was forced to comprimise by receiving anal sex weekly, spending a night each week chatting up men in the local gay bar really helped me channel my inner queer.

TIP #2 – Fart putrid and often.

Sometimes the answer is right under our noses – or in this case, out your arse, and into their nose. One of the simplest horny-female-client-in-lingerie deterrents is a good old fashion bum egg; aka fart.

Now, most wives have a fairly high fart tolerance as a result of years living with inconsiderate, stinking men who don’t value sexiness. With this in mind, you really need to infect the room with a near-liquid gas that tastes as bad as it smells; and, as soon as the room you’re working in begins to air out, you must insist on depositing another rotten package to top up the unbearable stench levels. 

Sniffing your partners' farts could help ward off disease
Photograph of a women who no longer wants to have sex with you because of your excellent farts.

There are a handful of ways I’ve been able to maintain deadly-putrid farts throughout a job, helping me parry the sexual attempts made by promiscuous clients: 

  • Drink 4-5 cups of marmite diluted in hot water an hour before the job.
  • Avoid fresh vegetables and fiber, unless in Chinese takeaways; Indian takeaways at a push but the results won’t be as wretched.
  • Increase your consumption of beans and legumes. This can really help dial up your flatulence frequency.
  • Skip your morning poo the day of the job. If you’re able to hold onto what your body desperately needs to rid itself of, you’ll be rimming with foul gas to deploy as and when you need.

TIP #3 – Assume they’re not actually seducing you.

While it may be near impossible to convince yourself that all of the women who call you out don’t want to have sex with someone wearing a tool-belt, it’s often the quickest way to diffuse the inevitable sexual tension. 

13 Insanely Hot Things Men Do | HuffPost
Photograph of my apprentice, Johnny, from behind – While you might see a hammer, ruler and screwdriver, women see a man who fucks.

Often times propositions will be made explicitly. Below are some example seduction methods you may find clients using in an attempt fuck you, with some suggested de-escalations:

Proposition: Hey Hot-toddy, I seem to have sprung a leak. In my panties… Can you plug it?

De-escalation: You have a boiler in your panties? That’s new to me, Love. While I grab my toolbox from the van, can you get the boiler out of your panties and leave it in the kitchen?

Proposition: I hope you don’t mind but I need to stand over you and do some washing up while you’re under the sink. Do you mind that I’m not wearing any underwear, Hun? They’re all in the wash.

De-escalation: Not at all love, it’s actually your bathroom sink that needs fixing so feel free to wash up – but you should really be on top of your laundry while your man is out working hard to put food on the table.

Proposition: My husband isn’t half as chiselled as you, Darling, can you show me what a real man feels like?

De-escalation: Thank you, I am undisputably a real man. Here’s my wife’s number, feel free to ask her how I feel. Now, which radiator was it that needed bleeding?

TIP #4 – Top, wear one.

We are all acquainted with the innate desire to carry out our plumbing work topless, during even the coldest days. It’s just what we are most comfortable with as plumbers; and it’s no wonder, some Classic Plumberists claim that toplessness is an integral part of a plumber’s identity.

Photograph of your average suburban plumber hard at work.

The issue here is the increased exposure of our greek-god-like torsos that, it’s uncontroversial to claim, would get anything’s mouth-watering, human or pencil-case alike. 

As we all know, The Sun is the most useful publication we plumbers have access to, so it’s no surprise it is a source of gold dust: I once read that nudeness in front of children is frowned upon by non-plumbers. So – unless you are a pedophile – to curtail your urges to undress, it can be helpful to imagine your client is a toddler to remain clothed during a job.

Amazon.com: KingSize Men's Big & Tall Turtleneck Long-Sleeve Tee: Clothing

IN EXTREME CASES, horny home-alone wives will continue to pursue sex with you despite you covering your assets. To bolster your chances of staying loyal to your own wife, it is recommended to avoid wearing the tight-fitting, thin, low-neck T-shirts that we’re used to – for example, those from TOPMAN – and replacing them with baggy turtle necks.

WILDCARD – Invite your wife

The fact is, we plumbers make a disproportionate amount of money compared to all other careers on the planet – save for child-trafficking. While this opens up a world of possibilities, like being able to afford a bag of real-deal cocaine for the pub, being able to afford a bag of real-deal cocaine for the footy, and being able to afford a bag of real-deal cocaine for the funerals of distant relatives, our seven-figure salaries also enable our wives to be time rich; affording them the ability to stay at home and waste time by folding bedsheets and the other stuff women do. 

Photo of my 8th and current wife, Gail Pipe, doing something while I’m at work.

Let’s be the masters of opportunism that we really are and use this to our advantage. The next time you get called out by someone who sounds female on the phone, simply invite your wife to the job. This will lead to one of two scenarios:

  1. Your wife says no – Should your wife decline your offer, you have the perfect alibi. By inviting her, you are forcing her to accept that nothing untoward will happen during the job. In essence, you have bought yourself a guilt-free affair; and if upon returning home, your wife notices the lingerie bulging from your pocket and lipstick smudged around your face, you can simply retort “Look, Love, I invited you t’job. Of course nuffin could’a ‘appened. Do you think I’m that stupid, Stupid? Now please can you bring me ‘am egg and chips t’TV in fortee-minutes and load up ‘omes under the ‘ammer, I’m going for a long, long shower.” Crisis of loyalty averted.
  1. Your wife says yes – Should your wife accept your invitation, you will definitely have a threesome.

ROUND UP 

Congratulations, you are now a man with a van and a marital contingency plan. While every thirsty female client you cross paths with – or should I just say every female client – presents their own challenge, the above tips should put you in a strong position to avoid the sex they definitely want to have with you. 

Adding new information to your plumber’s brain can be difficult. It is already jam-packed with the names of different pipe metals and pipe circumferences. With this in mind, I have distilled the above advice into an easy to remember acronym, starting with the wild card:

I.M.F.A.T

I – Invite your wife

M – Men. Pretend you actually like men 

F – Fart putrid and often

A – Assume they’re not actually seducing you

T – Top, wear one. 

Ideally, you’ll want to get this tattooed on your upper-arm next to the names of your ex-wives. However, should your body already be entirely covered in sunburnt-blue tattoos, the next best solution is to save the acronym as the screen saver on your work phone, so the next time a lacey potential-lay propositions you, you can say you just need to check the time, consult the acronym and choose your weapon. 

Hans Holbein the Younger: Adam and Eve

IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE that there is no shame in failure. I think Adam ate the apple in the Garden of Eden after all, and he probably wasn’t hard on himself… … If the tips shared don’t adequately reduce the immense pressure on you to cheat, just know it took me, Gus Pipe, decades of disloyalty and debauchery to learn loyalty and I still get it wrong… sorry, Love. 

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